How We Talk to Ourselves
I had a conversation with my daughter recently, who is taking a psychopathology course at her University. They were discussing seasonal affective disorder (which she struggled with last year). She learned that people in higher latitudes (she is in school in Vermont) are at higher risk (less daylight). She also learned that how we talk to ourselves about our day can make the condition worse (or, therefore, better).
That got me thinking about “self talk”–those ongoing internal thoughts or running commentary in our heads. It is so much a part of our experience that often we don’t even pay close attention to it. We talk to ourselves all the time. Literally. To the tune of an average of 60,000 thoughts a day.
Here is what we’ve learned about those internal thoughts: how we talk to ourselves can have a HUGE impact on our mood, our actions, and our wellbeing. Here is something else we’ve learned: we don’t have to passively “accept” our self talk. We can intentionally start to interact with and shape our thoughts!
Let’s face it. There are a ton of things beyond our control. The weather. The assignments our professors require of us. Other people’s thoughts. Other people’s behavior. The quickest and most profound way to improve your life is begin with… drumroll please… ourselves. And one place to start are those thoughts rolling through our minds.
How do we do that?
STEP ONE: Notice your thoughts.
The first thing to learn to do is to start consciously paying attention to the internal monologue/self talk going on. One way to do this is something called a Thought Download. You take a blank piece of paper (or blank document on your computer) and put a prompt like: “What am I thinking about?” Then, write down every thought you are thinking. No editing. No judgment. Doesn’t have to relate to the question or make any sense. Just let the thoughts come and write them down. It might take 5 minutes or 15… but you will eventually feel like you’ve gotten everything you are thinking written down.
It may feel a bit intimidating, scary, or overwhelming at first. You can look at the thoughts and organize them a bit. Which ones are statements of fact (observable and not in dispute)? Which ones are feelings, assessments or judgement? Which ones are circumstances? Which ones seem positive? Which ones seem critical or mean? Often, we are scared of stopping and paying attention to our thoughts because many of our thoughts are not at all kind! Who wants to deal with harsh internal commentary?
So, how is writing down our thoughts helpful? As long as we let our thoughts run through our minds without noticing or interacting with them, it’s a bit like giving toddlers on a sugar high free run of the house. They race around unsupervised, and can end up wreaking havoc… The other reason it is helpful is that we may begin to notice thoughts that show up on repeat. Thoughts create something like highways in our minds. The more often we have a thought, the more well worn that brain pathway becomes. There are thoughts we’ve had for so long they are like super highways. Those thoughts can seem inevitable. We can begin to believe, “if I think it, then it must be true.” Noticing means becoming aware… Once we notice, we can begin to work with the thoughts that are popping up.
STEP TWO: Be curious about your thoughts.
It’s almost natural to think our thoughts must be rooted in some truth or reality. It can be discouraging to notice really mean or negative thoughts. But, are they necessarily true? What if you were curious about the thoughts that run through your mind? Where did that thought come from? How long has it been part of your mental terrain? How does it make you feel? Is it a helpful thought or a thought that makes you feel badly about yourself? Is it energizing or leave you feeling discouraged and disempowered? And most important: What if the thought isn’t true after all? What else could be true?
Let me give you an example. A lot of people wish they looked different. I am a health coach, so I am interested in people’s health and well being–including having healthy bodies. I have heard people say, “I hate my body.” or “I hate how I look.” That’s a pretty powerful statement and feeling! I suspect it feels pretty discouraging.
Likely, there are a whole host of thoughts that kick around inside someone’s head related to their appearance. Maybe about their nose, or what they are eating, or wearing, or what other people are thinking. All these thoughts create some sense that something about them is wrong or bad.
So, how might that thought, “I hate my body” affect how we feel and the choices we make?
An important advancement in psychology taught us about the link between our thoughts, our feelings, and our behaviors. Cognitive behavioral psychology or Dialectical Behavioral Therapy focus on helping people learn to “interrupt” that loop of thoughts, feelings and behaviors. If we can change one part of the loop, we can also influence and change the others. They are all connected. So, one strategy is to identify a negative thought, interrogate it (is it true? why do I think that? what else could be true?).
So, now we’ve noticed our thoughts (step 1), gotten curious about them (step 2), and so what can we do about it?
STEP THREE: Replace unhelpful thoughts with neutral or more positive thoughts.
For people who struggle with thoughts like, “I hate my body”, I often ask if–when those thoughts come up–they could literally imagine themselves calling “time out” or “stop” or pressing a “pause” button in their brain. Then, backspace and substitute something that is more positive, like: “my body carries me in the world”–or something at least neutral, like: “I have a body.”
Can you notice a difference in how it might feel to say to yourself, “I hate my body.” OR to say to yourself, “I have a body.”
What does it mean that you have a body? What does it feel like to remind yourself that, “my body carries me in the world”? Most of us can see through our eyes, feel with our skin and nerves, digest food, breathe air… it’s pretty amazing. So, “I have a body” can be supplemented with “and my body carries me in the world.” Eventually, wouldn’t it be great to think, “I’m grateful for my body.” Ideally, we could each get to the place where our thought could be, “I appreciate my body” or even, “I love my body.”
Working with our thoughts is not magical thinking. Obviously, if we think “it’s hot in here” we may not want to or need to replace that thought! It may be telling us to take off a layer of clothing, open a window or turn down the thermostat. It’s the thoughts about ourselves that I’m inviting you to notice and get curious about. Those thoughts are not necessarily true. Many of them are not serving to help us improve our well being, grow as people, or achieve our goals.
RECAP
There are many things in this life we can’t change (like my freckles). But, we can learn to work with our thoughts. We can develop a more positive way of talking to ourselves. Showing a bit more patience and kindness to ourselves. What if we simply tried to offer ourselves the same kindness we would show a stranger or someone’s child. Why don’t you try it out?
- Take some time to notice the thoughts going through your mind.
- Be curious about them. How do they make you feel? Are they helping you?
- Experiment with “pausing” and substituting a different thought that is true–maybe starting with a more neutral thought and moving toward more positive thoughts.
Let me know how this goes for you! What do you notice? If you want to learn more, make an appointment for coaching. I’d love to support you being your healthiest, best self.
Written by Ginger Morgan, PhD
Director of Candid–Health and Life Coach